Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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