I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
