So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
