haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
