Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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