I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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