wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
