Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
