the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
