Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
