i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
