6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
