i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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