my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got inside last night via doggy door
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
