I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
