I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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