So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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