Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
