Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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