I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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