The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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