I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
