I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
