I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I didn't notice because vodka
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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