I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
