I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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