i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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