i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
