I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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