god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
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Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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