I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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