PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is wine microwaveable?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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