I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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