Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
