just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
