The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
