I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am available for nakedness
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize