I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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