Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
