The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
