she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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