Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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