You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
