all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
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Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying