Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
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Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.