1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.