So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls