Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
