Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
