No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
