It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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