I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
