Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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