dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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