happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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